In this episode, Adam J. Salgat continues his conversation with Shirley Tipton – Our Community Listens facilitator, trainer and Extended DISC trainer.
Shirley shares specific stories and examples of how knowing the DISC tendencies can greatly improve communication between spouses, friends, and co-workers.
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Adam Salgat:
Hello and welcome to the Our Community Lessons podcast. My name is Adam Salgat. And with me today is Shirley Tipton, facilitator and Extended DISC trainer. Shirley, in our last podcast, we did a pretty deep breakdown of the Extended DISC assessment. In today’s podcast, I want to talk a little bit more about how to utilize this information. So, first of all, I mentioned in the last podcast, how my wife is a pretty high C. Knowing that, how can I, I don’t know, without making it sound too negative, use that to my advantage in our relationship?
Shirley Tipton:
You know, sometimes I make a joke that our training on DISC is not a course in spousal manipulation.
Adam Salgat:
And yes, I’m not trying, let’s not manipulate, I’m not going to paint the wrong picture, but it’s more about knowing her needs, knowing her behavior. So if I’m getting frustrated, I can understand where it might be coming from.
Shirley Tipton:
So, let’s turn that on its head a little bit about spousal manipulation. Right? So, the other side of that is behaving in a way that meets the needs of the people around us, meets the need of our organization. But, we can’t do that if we don’t get our own needs met first. And sometimes we get put down for being selfish or getting your needs met. Well, in your case, your needs are going to be met and the needs of your children are going to be met when you and your wife get along.
Adam Salgat:
That’s a good point.
Shirley Tipton:
Right? When you model respect and when you model the ability to do what we call style flexing and change some behaviors, a few, not changing yourself, but changing a few behaviors to meet the needs of your wife. So for example, your wife being a high C style, let’s say you want to make a purchase and, a major purchase for the family, and you go to your wife and you say, “I want to buy,” whatever it is. And you give her examples of how it’s going to make you feel. And it starts sounding a little bit like rainbows, bunnies and unicorns. She can’t hear that. Right? Someone who is hardwired around data and task, the minute you start talking a lot about feelings and things that aren’t quantifiable, they’re going to shut down.
Adam Salgat:
Gotcha.
Shirley Tipton:
So with your wife, let’s say you want to buy that really awesome La-Z-Boy recliner with heat and massage and 27 settings. Right?
Adam Salgat:
That does sound nice.
Shirley Tipton:
Doesn’t that sound nice?
Adam Salgat:
Yep.
Shirley Tipton:
The way to make that understandable for your wife is to go through the steps in a pro and con fashion. Talk about budget. What need does it meet? What problem does it solve? And focus on the facts and not the feelings of why you want that fancy La-Z-Boy recliner.
Adam Salgat:
That is some great advice. So not only in our personal relationships, but I think a lot of people when they take this DISC assessment and then they think about what their boss is like, quote unquote, there’re many times we start assessing in our minds, “Oh, that’s how I need to connect with them.” And that’s what you’re talking about a little bit. Right? Is how are we going to connect with them? Not necessarily to get what we want, but even just to understand their point of view. Right?
Shirley Tipton:
Yeah. For sure. What do they need? How do they want to be treated? Keeping in mind that I’m going to get my needs met at the same time. One example in business is how we do our emails. So, in Colorado, one of our leaders is noted for writing the most beautiful, loving emails you would ever see. They’re full of caring and lots of inquiry and good wishes for our families. And then somewhere in the email, there might be the body of fact and data. Now, one of our team members who is very D style just finally said, “Stop sending me these emails. I’m not going to read them.”
Adam Salgat:
Right.
Shirley Tipton:
Give me the executive summary.
Adam Salgat:
Yeah.
Shirley Tipton:
Right?
Adam Salgat:
They want the bullet points.
Shirley Tipton:
Give me the bullet points. I got to get to it. I got goals to meet, and I’m glad you care about my kids, but I don’t have time for this. Now, the other thing that’s inherent in that is we must assume positive intent.
Adam Salgat:
Right.
Shirley Tipton:
Now, our leader, as an act of love, then started modifying how she was sending out emails and taking into account the needs of different behavioral styles on her team. And it worked great. So, those selective behaviors can be just integral to successful relationships of all kinds.
Adam Salgat:
We spoke to a local leader, about a month back in a podcast, and she talked about how her ability to reflect on what her designers needed to hear and how they needed to hear it has made a big difference. And they also spoke about how they have change coming within their organization. And as a D, she’s excited by change, but she knew that a lot of her designers are the S personality, the steadiness. And so she knew for them to build, to get excited, she had to give them more detail than she was used to. Can you speak a little bit more about how this comes into play in the workforce?
Shirley Tipton:
Sure. That’s a classic example. Right? And how lucky are those people to have a leader who is self-aware enough to know that she’s going to need to do some things a little bit differently. We hear story after story. This is my eighth year doing this work. And countless stories of people who have developed that awareness, modified some of their own behaviors to make the organizational, excuse me, the organization much more successful. And we like to think of this as happening sort of in four steps. So, four steps. Right? Here’s bullet points for our D style friends. The first one is to understand the four styles, to learn about them and how people are similar to us and also how they’re different. So, just by being able to have an understanding of those four behavioral styles is the first step. The second one is actually taking the assessment and becoming self-aware of how others see us.
Right? I can use an example of a business leader, who had people on his team and his organization, who really thought he was cold, very aloof and distant. When in reality, he was shy.
Adam Salgat:
He was just shy.
Shirley Tipton:
It was just a bit… Just shy. And having that ability and that self-awareness to even have that conversation, dramatically changed the path and the success of that organization. So, that’s the second step. The third step then is to identify the main style of other people. Just like you can identify that your wife is a C style will give you tools in relating better to her and how she needs to be treated. And then the last or the fourth step is to modify our own behaviors appropriately. Right? Not wholesale, but appropriately to improve our interactions, to improve our relationships, reduce conflict. And here’s the bonus. Here’s the cherry on the sundae. By modifying our behaviors, we get our own needs met as well.
Adam Salgat:
Shirley, we’ve been talking now for almost an hour about DISC and DISC assessment. And I can clearly tell that you have a passion for it. And I’m curious, where has that stemmed from?
Shirley Tipton:
Well, in practice, I’ve got enough C in me that I want data. Right? And I want things to be correct.
Adam Salgat:
Yep.
Shirley Tipton:
And initially, the light bulb went on like, “Yeah, that’s how I’m hard wired,” but it wasn’t until I really started practicing it, that I started reaping the benefits. One of the first things that happened for me was learning to accept that other people weren’t out to get me, that they were different, that their styles were different. And that not only could I not, but I didn’t want to change them anymore. And that was life changing. All behavior is an expression of need.
Adam Salgat:
Yeah.
Shirley Tipton:
I want to say that again, it’s that important. All behavior is an expression of need. And with that fact in mind, the next step for me was becoming curious about the behaviors of other, what is the need behind that behavior? So, if I can substitute curiosity for judgment. Right? Instead of just saying, “Oh, he’s a jerk.” Instead, being curious about that behavior, huge gift for me, huge gift.
Adam Salgat:
That’s outstanding. And I think it’s very interesting how you mentioned trying to… The realization, the biggest impact that it’s had on you is understanding that people are not out to get you and I think that’s pretty awesome.
Shirley Tipton:
It’s freed up a lot of time and energy and reduced drama and improved my ability to truly meet the needs of others. I’m also high S style. And I have that service, that hardwired for service. It has freed me up to serve people in a new way, in the way that they need me to behave, to meet their needs, not what meets my need. I’ll give you an example. My husband, one of his best friends is a very high D style person, and I inherited him with the marriage. Right?
Adam Salgat:
Well, that’s what happens with friends.
Shirley Tipton:
Yeah.
Adam Salgat:
Old frat buddies. I don’t know. I’m just kidding, but…
Shirley Tipton:
And for years I just… I didn’t want to be around him. I thought he was kind of abrasive and just not my cup of tea. And I, eh, not my favorite person to be around. I took this course and I went through this DISC. And what I came to understand is that in his high D style, he had a lot of gifts that I had overlooked. And by accepting him where he is and how he’s hardwired now, eight years later, he’s one of my best friends, too. And I love him. I can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t have to guess where he’s coming from. I don’t expect him to read my mind. If I need to know something, he’s going to tell me. He’s going to be absolutely clear. And when he tells me that he loves me, I know it is the absolute unvarnished truth.
Adam Salgat:
That’s wonderful to hear. And have you shared that with him? Have you talked about that change that’s come for you?
Shirley Tipton:
I did, after he took the class.
Adam Salgat:
Oh, yeah? And so, he has a better understanding if you ever are in a certain way, he has better understanding of what your behavior is that way as well.
Shirley Tipton:
Absolutely. Right? And it never was an issue for him. He accepted me the way I was. He was so far down the road, because it just didn’t matter to him. He was going to continue on his path regardless. One of the things that we see consistently come out of this class is this sort of change for people and their ability with DISC understanding to embrace the quote, “difficult people in their lives,” in new ways and find those gifts. Look, it happened for me with my mother, my own mother. Once I really started trying to accept her and where she was coming from, our relationship dramatically changed. And the great gift out of that is that for the last year of my mother’s life, we had the relationship that I had always wanted to have with my mother.
Adam Salgat:
That’s beautiful.
Shirley Tipton:
Right?
Adam Salgat:
Yeah.
Shirley Tipton:
The price of admission is worth that alone. Right? And more and more and more.
Adam Salgat:
It sounds like you’ve really been able to take to heart listening with empathy. You mentioned understanding where she’s at, that’s empathy, being able to step into that space.
Shirley Tipton:
Well, I think of empathy as taking the self-awareness from DISC and injecting steroids.
Adam Salgat:
I like that.
Shirley Tipton:
It makes it much more powerful. Right? But, that empathy can also come out of our ability to understand how other people are hardwired and what their needs are.
Adam Salgat:
Right. And then connect it back to something that you’ve been through and how that meant something to you, even if it may not have meant something to them. The same way, this means something to them may not mean the same to you.
Shirley Tipton:
Absolutely. Because I can’t, I’m not going to change their behavior ultimately anyway.
Adam Salgat:
Right.
Shirley Tipton:
But, I can darn sure change my behavior.
Adam Salgat:
Shirley, as someone who has seen DISC and been around it for so long, do you have any antidotes or any stories about how these situations could show up in maybe a high stress situation?
Shirley Tipton:
Sure. And this is kind of a caricature, it’s not real, but it’s illustrative. So, I’ll go with it. So, imagine you have four people representing one each for the four styles.
Adam Salgat:
Sure.
Shirley Tipton:
And they get stuck in an elevator. They’re stuck between floors. Ka-junk! Right? We’re stuck.
Adam Salgat:
Yep.
Shirley Tipton:
So, D style immediately starts swearing and complaining and I don’t have time and what’s going on. I have to get out of here. I’ve got stuff to do. I style looks around at the other people in the elevator and they go, “Oh, I’ve got three new friends.” Right? It’s an opportunity for relationship.
Adam Salgat:
Yeah.
Shirley Tipton:
C style is going to go over to the panel, open the door, push buttons, “Maybe if I push these two at the same time.” They’re just going to immediately go to problem solving. Now S style is going to be over in the corner, very quietly dialing 911. So, same situation. Right? They’re all in the same boat together, four very different reactions.
Adam Salgat:
That’s super. That’s a very good example, because it’s very common. When you get put into like this stress situation, what is your innate response?
Shirley Tipton:
Yeah. I had it happen in a meeting a few months ago where some news was delivered and I thought, “Wow, that’s great.” And I looked around and there were people, other people in the room who were really upset about what they heard. Now, I was looking at it also through my lens, right? I was shocked that people were so upset, yet we were in the same boat, same impact, ultimately in a business setting. So, it can be really important using DISC as a tool to also help people and yourself understand why we react differently in the same settings.
Adam Salgat:
If you know someone has a different style than you, but you need to approach them to make a change. How can you utilize the DISC assessment to help you get to that change that you need made?
Shirley Tipton:
I think that question has so much opportunity in it just by asking that question. So to me, that would be the first step, because that speaks to self-awareness. If I’m aware enough to say, “I may need to think about this before I go to that difficult conversation,” that’s huge. Right? So, in that you want to know your own style. And then that second step that I went over earlier, remember the four steps?
Adam Salgat:
Yes. Ma’am.
Shirley Tipton:
Try to figure out what their style is and then know what that style needs and be prepared accordingly. So, don’t go into a difficult conversation with someone who’s I style with a list of facts and expect an immediate decision. You need to instead go into that conversation, prepared to preserve the relationship. It’s going to be a people oriented discussion. Now there may be some need for fact in there, but that’s not what you would lead with. So, you need to know their style, know what they need. And in almost every case slow down.
Adam Salgat:
Gotcha.
Shirley Tipton:
The exception is going to be D style. D style is going to want to get through that conversation very quickly. Like got it, understand, let’s move on.
Adam Salgat:
Yep.
Shirley Tipton:
And that slowing down can be really hard for most of us, because we want to get to resolution. So, having those understandings of how different behavioral styles work can be extremely effective, anytime there’s conflict. Right? And all styles, it doesn’t matter what your style is, all behavioral styles need to be heard. So, it’s really difficult to be a great DISC practitioner, if you’re not also committed to being a great listener. They go hand in hand. And all of that, as we like to say, being enveloped in the empathy.
Adam Salgat:
Shirley, it’s been great listening to you tell me today a little bit how DISC has had an impact in your life, giving us some tips on how we can utilize these DISC behavioral tendencies when we have conflict situations or just in our personal life, how we can use them to navigate every day, really. For our listeners, do you have any key takeaways, two key takeaways, or if they’re interested in learning more about DISC, where they could go and what they could check out?
Shirley Tipton:
Sure. So, key takeaways. One is that becoming familiar with DISC and embracing the lessons that we can get from DISC is life-changing. It improves relationships that will make you a better leader at work. It can just be illuminating, understanding that people aren’t jerks. Right? They’re just not. It’s not a good way to lead, ever. People are hard wired differently than you and always assume positive intent. The second takeaway would be absolutely to learn to substitute curiosity for judgment. Life-changing all by itself. When we can get curious about the need behind a behavior, it can give us insight into people and systems and organizations in ways that we wouldn’t have imagined before. So, substitute curiosity for judgment and then for more information, there’s a book that we frequently use in class and we suggest is a book called Taking Flight. Right? Taking flight. It’s a quick read.
You can get it on Amazon. You can order it through your local bookstore, if they don’t have it in stock. It’s an allegory about the four behavioral styles represented by four birds in the forest trying to solve a problem. And then the last part of the book is there’s some really hard, there like reference points and things that… Hard, I don’t mean by difficult, hard by being actual science you can look at and review. So, that would be the book I would recommend as a quick, easy primmer going in. And then secondly, online go to the extendeddisc.org website, so extendeddisc.org website. They have some great… They have some podcasts and some blogs and some short videos and quite a resource library that can further your understanding of DISC science.
Adam Salgat:
That sounds awesome. And I’ll be sure to put that link in the description of this podcast. So if you’re listening to this right now, go to our description and you can head to the extended DISC website. Shirley, thank you so much for spending time with me again today. It has been eye opening and I’m very appreciative of you sharing a bit of yourself in our conversation. Thank you.
Shirley Tipton:
Thank you, Adam.
Adam Salgat:
If you have any suggestions about subjects for our podcast, feel free to reach out through our Facebook page. And if you’re interested in taking a class, visit ourcommunitylessons.org. Thank you again for listening to our podcast and don’t forget, each word, each action, each silent moment of listening sends a message. Therefore, you are the message.